my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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