I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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