my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
