we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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