I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
