sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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