There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
