Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize