isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
