I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
