Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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