i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
