I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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