I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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