I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
