Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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