I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
