i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
