I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
