maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
