Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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