She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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