I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
