That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
