with your own penis?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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