My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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