Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
