This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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