WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
