Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
