seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
