Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
