youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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