We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
