my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
