I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There's always time for handjobs
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
