My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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