So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
