Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
