You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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