The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
