Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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