Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
