Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
