As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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