Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
