if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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