just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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