Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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