I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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