On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
