Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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