I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
