i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
