Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
