grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
