peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
