and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I want to be your penis for a week.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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