I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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