Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
